Is that all there is?

On January 9th, I turned 62 and everyone has been saying to me "this is your year,” my friend Fausta, added “hey, you can now collect social security” Hoorah!! Hoorah!! This is great, finally the birthday that has 'earned me the right' to collect social security! I can really use the cash and I quickly go on line and get all the facts. After the short application process, however, it became a time of introspection and I’m thinking- “Is that all there is?” (Remember the song by Peggy Lee?) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qe9kKf7SHco#watch-main-area

I have entered a new Milestone, as I review my life I see that so many things I learned in elementary school have become obsolete. The world has changed. I continue to write drafts on paper by hand , and as I write this entry for instance, I realize that it’s no longer necessary to break up a word at the end of the line. The computer does it automatically, not only that but it checks your grammar and spelling. The list is endless, all these changes, one could go on forever. And at the end of all this, I’m just feeling old, and the poem, The road not taken “by Robert Frost” http://www.bartleby.co , comes to mind.

And I start thinking back to my Baruch College days. I would walk to class along Lexington Ave in the low 20’s, in those days there were lots of cheap hotels and in front of these cheap hotels there would be young pretty teenage girls, mostly blonde and all sweet. It got to the point where I felt I knew them. As time passed, I would see a change in their eyes. The young women mostly but teenagers would start out clean, smiling and happy, and after a few months their eyes were dead, there was no life in them, their bodies bruised and dirty. As I walked past them, tears would roll down my eyes. I wanted to help. I wanted to do something but didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I decided that when I had enough money I would do something. I’d set up a place for young teenage girls and boys to go to for help, a place that would protect them.

I haven’t yet realized that dream, but, as I write this entry, I know I still can. There are a few more things I need to clear up in my life, and then I will be free. In the meanwhile I will start planning for my new/old venture. If anyone out there has any ideas, please contact me.

By the way, is that all there is? NO there’s plenty more.

"Figli" by Viki

mia figlia incinta!!!! ma chi ci pensava mai ! certo, è naturale che la vita continui, che le generazioni si rinnovino, che ci sia questo forte istinto di maternità, eppure non ci pensavo proprio. E' bellissima l'idea di una nuova vita in lei, lei così dolce , ma io non posso fare a meno di pensare al futuro, a quando questo piccolo essere crescerà , da neonata tenerissima , poi bambina, poi adolescente e ragazza e adulta.
Come sarà, come diventerà ?....purtroppo temo la vita , le trasformazioni, i cambiamenti che avvengono nei figli.Quante sofferenze, notti insonni, ansie, angosce, attese, quante bugie ascoltate, inganni subiti da chi ami più della tua stessa vita.


Sono segni indelebili, impressi a fuoco, tatuati nel cuore che rimane ferito , graffiato. Impossibile dimenticare.
Ma questo non si può dire, suona blasfemo: e allora, sì, è bellissimo aspettare questa bimba, che lei porti tanta gioia a noi tutti, soprattutto alla sua mamma che la adorerà più di tutti e per lei potrebbe dare la vita.
Si, questa bimba mi restiturà la fiducia nella vita e sarà speciale e dolce e buona e gentile ......

Vicky "Children"

> My daughter pregnant! who ever thought of it! certainly, it is natural
> that life continues, that the generations renew themselves, that there is
> this strong instinct of maternity, nevertheless I never thought of it.
> The idea of a new life in her is beautiful, she is so sweet, but I cannot
> help myself but to think of the future, as to when this little being grows
> up, from tender infant, then child, then adolescent,then girl then adult.
> What will she be like? what will she become? ....unfortunately I fear life,
> the transformations, the changes that happen in our children. All the
> suffering, sleepless nights, anxieties, anguish, waiting, all the lies
> heard, deceits endured from the loved ones, the ones you love than your own
> life.
>
> These are indelible marks, imprinted on fire, tattooed in the heart that
> remains injured, scratched. Impossible to forget.
> But this is not to say, it sounds blasphemous: and then, yes, it is
> beautiful to wait for this baby, that she will bring us lots of delight to
> us all, above all to her mother that will adore her much more than all of us
> and for her would give her own life.
> Yes, this baby will restore in me the trust in life and she will be special
> and sweet and good and kind .....
>

A Christmas Story

Even though Christmas was in the air, for the past month or so I just couldn’t feel the Holiday cheer. Whatever it was, there was something about this year that was ruining my Christmas spirit. Maybe it was because it hadn’t snowed, maybe because we hadn’t yet gotten a Christmas tree, maybe I just wasn’t feeling all that cheerful, or maybe I just needed a reminder of what Christmas is all about.

Last Friday my daughter, Sidney resigned herself to the fact that she and her dog, Nike (Nee-keh) wouldn’t be moving back to Rome any time soon so she agreed to give away the travel cage. The enormous cage (that was at least one size too “roomy”) had been sitting on our balcony for over a year and I was anxious to be rid of it. I had always felt that a lemon tree would better suit that space. I quickly called my friend Carol, she’s very active in the Safety Net/Pets for Life NYC Program. Within a few minutes she got back to me and told me that somebody needed the cage. I got in touch with them and it turned out that they needed to transport their dog to the south but could not afford to buy a cage. I gave them all the measurements and necessary information and they said they would come to pick it up.

Then, Sunday night, my daughter Alanna came home announcing that she found a wallet on the F train. The wallet contained all of the owner’s documents and ID’s but no phone number. She asked, “What should I do?” Sidney, my younger daughter asked, “What’s the address?” I looked at the driver’s permit and said, “Jackson Street!” After establishing that Jackson Street was only a few blocks away from us I volunteered to make the voyage. This was not the first time Alanna had found a wallet, when she was in grade school at PS 6, she had returned a wallet to the office. However there was no “Good Samaritan” announcement on the loudspeaker for her. An oversight on the part of the school, which may have had something to do with the disagreement I had with the principal (I blatantly told her that her school’s social structure was elitist and completely outrageous for a public school). This time, however, I helped.

Monday morning came and I set out for my morning walk with Nike. My trusty sidekick was surprised at our direction but was not going to question me since we were going towards the dog park. When we got to his apartment the young man, Angel, opened the door and was elated to find a good Samaritan (or her mother) bringing him back his wallet. His eyes lit up and he couldn’t stop thanking me. I wished him a Merry Christmas and went on my way feeling like Santa with a lone reindeer, who instead of gracefully pulling my sled just pulled me down the street.

As if that wasn’t enough to renew my Yuletide cheer, that evening the young man who needed the cage came to get it. He and his mother were happy to see that our dog was taller but generally the same size as the dog they needed to fit in her cage. They played with her as they got the cage and thanked us over and over and wished us a Merry Christmas, we did the same and as the elevator doors closed I felt the Christmas Spirit fill the air.

That night we got our Christmas tree, decorated it with glittery pinecones, candy canes, and the ornaments that have been a sparkly splendor throughout my daughters’ Christmases and hopefully will be there for their children’s as well.

Celebrating A New York Moment

Now that my daughters are grown, my partner is gone and my financial situation is drastically changed. What am I do do with all of my time?

I am taking advantage of my extra time to notice and appreciate the small things. I enjoy walking through Chinatown for my vegetables and fruits and asking the vendors just what it is that I'm buying, and how to prepare them, attending free lectures and poetry readings, going to tea parlors and trying out different teas, . Basically, I’m taking the time to smell the roses, NYC style. My favorite being the fleeting encounters with the many different personalities found in the city. These were the things I missed out on while I was building my career, raising my children and being a life-partner.

Last Sunday I went to Park Slope to visit my mother, the F train was out of service and that’s how I met the two characters of the day’s adventure.

Character #1, A friendly, young homeless man, very knowledgeable of the transit system.

Character #2, An older, somewhat sophisticated attractive man sporting a septum ring. (I noticed him because my 22 year old daughter , Sidney, also has the same ring, and just the day before I had asked her if by any chance she had outgrown that style. She without hesitation, answered NO.) He is a costume designer for the stage, and also does alterations and custom made clothing.

Then there is me, the 3rd character, a 61 year old woman with grey hair running around town smelling the roses.

Character #1, The hero of the day, directed and showed us the way. Before departing, he told me that he was looking for work as he had just gotten out of jail for a felony offence. I told him that, even in this bad economy, I was sure that, he would find something. This I said with all honesty and sincerity, because he had a welcoming sweet smile and a great positive attitude.

Character #2, was sitting across the isle. He didn't hear all of the conversation but he had heard enough to know that Character #1 was a felon. He moved to sit next to me.
What was the felony?
I don’t know
Why don’t you know?
I didn’t ask.
Why didn’t you ask?
I felt if he wanted me to know he would have told me
Weren’t you curious?
YES, I WAS!
We started laughing and the conversation turned to our own work.

I told him that, at this point in my life, fashion is not really important to me. I’m interested in comfort and I do have a pair of pants that fits that bill. I thought to myself that I might ask him to make me a pair so I asked him for his card. I was very surprised that he tried everything to avoid giving it to me. I didn’t have mine, nor did either of us have a pen. Finally, we arrived at his stop where he, shyly, handed me his card along with an apology. I took a quick look and saw a card for custom made S&M leatherwear that’s not what I'd had in mind for my comfy trousers. I couldn't help but laugh and told him not to worry. I had a smile on my face for the rest of my trip. I love NY!

What about your little moments? What are you doing in the next Chapter of your life?

What Happened To Our Mother's Jewelry?

When my daughter Sidney, announced that she was doing her “Liceo” High School thesis on “Fashion” I shrieked, "Fashion, what kind of topic is that? With 5 years of Latin, Ancient Greek, and Philosophy, living in Rome surrounded by history, how can you choose Fashion?" She quickly answered, “Fashion is history”. I approved, and the more I thought about it the more I liked it, as a matter of fact, I began to love the idea.

Because of the high price of gold, this past weekend, I went to the showplace on 25th Street with a friend to have her 1960’s 18K two color gold white and soft yellow bracelet valued for scrap. While there I encountered some of the dealers I know and as we started talking it became obvious that lots of gold was being scrapped and history destroyed along with it. I started thinking about Sidney’s thesis and how she would describe this period. The 2000’s with the recession, that forced the middle class to scrap beautiful objects, whereby a part of history was lost. Of course the famous designers will survive, David Webb, Cartier, Pomellato, Buccelati, Bulgari, Van Cleef, Tiffany and others. What happened to our parent’s jewelry?

I remember, my friends, my mother’s friends, and myself wearing the beautiful heavy gold bangles of the 60’s, wide thick and large link bracelets, long necklaces and rings with charms, long earrings. What will Sidney write? She will have to write about the rich with their fancy jewelry laden with diamonds. What happened to your mother’s jewelry?


Dove Sono andati a finire i gioielli delle nostre madri?

Quando mia figlia Sidney, mi ha detto che stava facendo la sua tesi del Liceo Classico„ “sulla moda”„ io ho gridato, " La moda, che genere di soggetto è questo? Con 5 anni di Latino, greco e filosofia, vivendo a Roma circondata dalla storia, come puoi scegliere la moda? " Immediatamente mi ha risposto, “la moda è la storia”.. Ho approvato e più ci pensavo e piu’ l’idea mi piaceva, in fatti ho cominciato ad amare l'idea.

Poiche’ il prezzo dell’oro adesso e’ cosi’ alto, la settimana scorsa, sono andata al Showplace sulla venticinquesima strada con una mia amica per avere il suo bracciale di 750 oro di due colore bianco e giallo degli anni 60’s stimato per il valore del scrap. Mentre li ho incontrato alcuni dei commercianti che conoscevo e mentre parlavamo è diventato evidente che molto oro stava ad essere scartato e la storia si stava distruggendo . Ho cominciato a pensare alla tesi di Sidney e come avrebbe descritto questo periodo. Il 2000 con la recessione, che ha forzato la classe media a scartare dei bellissimi oggetti, per cui una parte della storia sara persa. Naturalmente i gioiellerieri famosi sopravviveranno, David Webb, Cartier, Pomellato, Buccelati, Bulgari, Van Cleef, Tiffany ed altri. Dove sono andati a finire i gioielli dei vostri genitori?

Mi ricordo, i miei amici, amici di mia madre e di me stessa quando ci mettevamo quei bei braccialetti pesanti dell'oro degli anni 60, o quei bellissimi larghi, doppio e grandi link braccialetti, collane lunghe e anelli con ciondoli, orecchini lunghi. Che cosa ne scriverà Sidney? Dovrà scrivere dei ricchi con i loro gioielli carichi di diamanti. Dove sono andati a finire I gioielli delle vostre madri?

Anonymous "Healing from Grief"

The pain of grief is so hard to describe. When they say "heartbroken" that is a very close description. I remember banging my toe and even though I was bleeding I felt the sharp pain was nothing compared to the pain I felt in my heart.

I am a person with great faith but it was shattered when I lost my husband. He was diagnosed with cancer 2 months before he died and we were not prepared.
They say time heals, I think it is only that as time goes by we get used to a new routine. A routine that does not include the person we lost. At his wake when anyone would ask me "what can I do for you" my answer was "please keep in touch"
I felt so alone and lonely that I needed to know he was ok, I needed to talk and I needed answers.

The first time I felt any relief was when I went to a Medium and my husband came through! It was the first time in months that I had any relief from my pain.
The message was full of validation and love, and even promises of new love in the future.

Since that time I've spoken to very gifted mediums that convince me with their messages that our loved ones live on . I've heard wonderful messages from my husband that confirm that he is still around, and he knows what I am going through. He even jokes about certain things, his humor is still alive on the other side.

So to the grieving process I've learned there is no closure, love never dies, but I am complete and ready for the next chapter in my life, and I hear it is a good one ;-)

Anonimo "Guarire Dal Lutto"

Il dolore del lutto è duro da descrivere. Quando parlano di "cuore-spezzato " quella è una descrizione molto vicina. Mi ricordo quando ho battuto la mia punta del dito ed anche se era sanguinante ho ritenuto che quel dolore nel confronto del dolore nel mio cuore sia stato niente

Sono una persona con grande fede ma è stata frantumata quando ho perso mio marito. Lui era stato diagnosticato con cancro 2 mesi prima che morisse noi non eravamo preparati. Dicono il tempo guarisce, io pensa che sia soltanto che col passare del tempo ci abituiamo a una nuova routine. Una routine che non include la persona noi abbiamo perso. Al suo veglio quando chiunque mi chiedeva " che cosa posso fare per te" la mia risposta era " per piacere rimani in contatto " Mi sentivo cosi’ sola e in una solitudine che avevo bisognio di sapere che lui stava bene, avevo bisognio di parlare e bisogno di aver risposte su le mie domande.

La prima volta che ho sentito un sollievo era quando sono andata da un medium e il mio marito si è fatto sentire! Era la prima volta in mesi che ho avuto un sollievo dal mio dolore. Il messaggio era pieno della convalida e dell'amore e perfino delle promesse di un nuovo amore nel futuro.
Dal’lora ho parlato ad altri eccezionalmente dotati medium che mi hanno convinta con i loro messaggi che I nostri amati vivono. Ho sentito meravigliosi messagi da mio marito che confermano che lui ancora mi e’ vicino e capisce che cosa sto passando. Persino scherza su determinate cose, il suo umore è ancora vivo al di la’.

Così ho capito che non c’e’ chiusura nel processo doloroso del lutto. l'amore non muore mai, ma Io sono completamente pronta per il seguente capitolo della mia vita, ed ho sentito che è un buon capitolo; -)

The Universe Provides

In my youth I saw coincidence just as that- coincidence- I never read anything more into those serendipitous occurrences. Now I'm beginning to analyze each chance occurrence and have come to believe that they are more significant than mere accidents. I am beginning to read into many coincidences, a response to a need, and to see how the universe provides for us. Of course my daughters think I'm losing it. But my daughters admit that my life is graced by a few too many of these fortuitous events. Every time I need something or worry about something I get an email, a phone call, a check, a client and etc. etc... Things seem to work out all by themselves. True that I set them into motion but the rest takes care of itself. I used to call it my "Guardian Angel."

And when I was in Rome last month, I saw the Universe Provide for a young woman named Mara. I met up with an ex-client, a handsome, charming, talented drummer, who had a gig in Rome. We hung out for two days, lunch to shopping to smoking our cigars while sitting at a bar on via del Corso, meeting Giorgio at his studio at the Pineto for coffee. At the end of each day he went to his English speaking AA meeting. The first day the meeting was held at a basement of a church near Via Nazionale. On the second day the meeting was to be held elsewhere, but my friend forgot to take the address with him and wanted to go to the internet point to look it up, but I suggested, being we were just steps away from the church, that we go and see if we could get the information there.

It was there that we encountered Mara, sitting on a bench, two hours too early for her meeting. Mara, a beautiful 26-year-old girl. She reminded me so much of my eldest daughter that I stopped and took notice of her. I saw how anxious and nervous she looked. She needed help and we were there to give it to her. The English speaking meeting was across the street starting in an hour. I invited Mara to join us at the bar. While at the bar Mara started crying and my friend being sober for over 15 years knew just what to do and immediately became her sponsor for the day. He invited her to his meeting and calmed her and dried her tears. As we departed I looked at her and said, I can go home and not worry about you, you are in good hands, my friend will help you make it through today, and tomorrow the Universe will provide again.

l'UNIVERSO PROVVEDE

Quando ero giovane vedevo coincidenze come una coincidenza-Non ho mai letto niente di più in quelle occorrenze casuale. Ora sto cominciando ad analizzare ogni casuale occorrenza e credo che questi casuali incidenti sono più significativi. Sto cominciando a capire che in tante coincidenze, e una risposta ad un bisogno, e di vedere come l'universo prevede per noi. Naturalmente le mie figlie pensano che mi sto ad’impazzire. Ma le mie figlie ammettano che nella mia vita ci sono troppi di questi eventi fortuiti. Ogni volta che ho bisogno di qualcosa o che mi preoccupo di qualcosa ricevo una e-mail, una telefonata, un assegno, un client e ecc ecc .. Le cose sembrano che si risolvano tutto da soli. Vero che io le metto in moto, ma il resto si prende cura di sé. Le chiamavo il mio "Angelo Custode".

E quando sono stata a Roma il mese scorso, ho visto l'Universo Prevedere per una giovane donna di nome Mara. Mi sono incontrata cun un ex-cliente, un bell’uomo, affascinante, batterista di talento, che aveva un concerto a Roma. Abbiamo passati due giorni fuori Dall’ora di pranzo, a fare shopping,a fumare i nostri sigari mentre seduti a un bar in via del Corso, da incontrare Giorgio nel suo studio al Pineto per un caffè. Alla fine di ogni giorno lui andava al suo incontro del AA in lingua inglese. Il primo giorno il meeting era in uno scantinato di una chiesa vicino a Via Nazionale. Il secondo giorno la riunione si sarebbe svolta altrove, ma il mio amico si era dimenticato di portare l'indirizzo con lui e voleva andare al punto internet a cercarlo, ma ho proposto, essendo che noi eravamo a pochi passi dalla chiesa, di andare li per ottenere l’inderizzo.

E 'stato lì che abbiamo incontrato Mara, seduta su una panchina, due ore troppo presto per il suo incontro. Mara, un bella ragazza di 26 anni. Mi ricordava cosi’tanto della mia figlia maggiore che mi sono fermata e ho preso nota di lei. Ho visto come era ansiosa e nervoso. Aveva bisogno di aiuto e noi eravamo lì per darle un aiuto. La meeting di lingua inglese stava dall'altra parte della strada e cominciava fra un'ora. Ho invitato Mara al bar con noi. Mentre al bar Mara ha cominciato a piangere e il mio amico che e sobrio per più di 15 anni sapeva esattamente cosa fare e subito è diventato il suo sponsor per la giornata. “la invitò al suo incontro e la calmò e gli asciugò le lacrime. Quando ci siamo lasciati l’ho guardata e gli ho detto, adesso posso andare a casa e non mi preoccupero di te perche sei in buone mani, il mio amico ti aiutera oggi, e domani l'Universo provederà ancora un’altra volta.



L